The space between the words

As a writer, I am always perplexed and shocked when I start typing. The fear that hangs before the first letter appearing in front of my eyes is unexplainable. It's like I'm afraid of looking at what I'm capable of creating. Afraid of what I might find. And underneath that afraid of what energetic reaction may be created from my voice. 

My voice is cleaner more truthful and more visible when written. My heart more open and more available when indented into the screen or a piece of paper. My words, my soul, my energy more visible in what I pour out of my finger tips. My vulnerability front and center spotlighted.

So I hang in the space between the words, holding my breath not ready to exhale the voice that crazily vibrates within the silence that I create. The yoga of writing is one that I am just learning to breathe. My breath so much a part of my power with words as it is with my power of my body. My timidity hangs in the feverish exhale that lasts much shorter than my deep inhale of inspiration. Yet the inspiration shifts inside of my loins and inside my heart and inside of my throat. Stuck like the stickiness of a sore and knotted muscle. Begging to be massaged and used so that it can wander and create what it's been so inspired to do.

That space. That space between the fingers craving for artisanship. That space between the delivery of me to the world around is sacred space. Space where I hide and feel safe, but there is only so long before that space feels crowded with unsung songs and unwritten stories, which then makes me feel like screaming because I just can't bare the fact that I have gone so long without saying anything. Without accessing my voice, my truth, my power, my gift. 

Why am I so frightened by the exhale? Why am I so frightened by what I have to say? Why am I frightened by me? 

I don't think I'm abnormal. I think there are many people who given gifts that are full of power actually find them a bit frightening because of how consuming they can be. 

Knowing how you're meant to use your gifts is a trial and error experience. At least it is for me. My passions and my inspirations ignite so many ideas in my hands and in my heart yet I feel at a loss for words or for that matter action. I find myself consumed with the responsibility of what it means to begin and to commit that I hold my breath in action because I'm worried about failure. 

It seems much easier to stay in my safe space, however, the more I stay here the more crowded it feels the more restless I am and the more unsatisfied I am with so-called safety. Plus it is only hurting me, therefore no longer a safe haven. 

So as I face the truth of my own voice my own power and I experiment with it on the mat; I've begun to realize that I don't need to be afraid of my voice. It's much scarier to know that I've been denying the world my full attention and spirit. 

Humility is something that is heard not hidden. And from humility their is an intense amount of power and truth. 

I end with this because we so often times consider humility to be one of the "unspokens" but I beg to disagree that humility is one of the greatest voices. And I leave that to resonate in space...

Where do Labels end and I begin?

I have a very close friend is going through a battle of life or death with himself. Doctors continue to label him. Society continues to label him. But the most difficult part is that he labels himself. Brands himself with a label that is not who he truly is.

His heartbreak, his struggle, is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to witness in my life. And I have had to walk away because it is too difficult to feel his pain. I can no longer watch him turn into something he is not. And I am helpless to help him change because he is the only one who can decide how to rip the labels off and find the truth.

What is the truth? Well it's not always what everyone tells you it is. I have learned that about my own journey. I face it everyday and in every moment. Is this real? Is this true? Is this truly what I need? When we discover the truth sometimes it sucks. And sometimes we have to deliver bad news or realize that we can't do or be what the outside label says.

There are moments in life where you feel like you've got your clothes on inside out and everyone's judging you by the brand on the tag, only it's not necessarily the clothes you're wearing.  You're wearing you. And you don't know how to be you without someone telling you who you are. But the real you is you. There's no label you just are.

So where do I begin and labels end? Where do you begin and the label ends? Where does life begin and fairy tale or nightmare end?

I wrote this during work because I was so inspired by my friend's label of himself that I had to wonder a little bit about the necessity of labels and if there is the possibility of removing them.

When we tell someone what's wrong with them or label a problem or label ourselves--how is that effective help? Labels don't help. They box people in. 


What do you truly believe? That is your truth. That is who you are. You must feel it, it must cause your bones to shake and your heart to spin. There is no answer that we can give ourselves or to others that is going to be RIGHT. There is no RIGHT answer. There is only exploration. And that may not even be accurate. 


BE.


BE IN THE MOMENT.


BE WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.


Don't try and change that.


Healing comes through awareness in the moment. 
It is our awareness in the instant time and space that allow us to recognize what we see.
We cannot count moments, but we can feel them with our gifted sense.
And from there we can feel life with our entire being.
That is the true gift of being human--feeling.


WHEN DO WE HAVE ENOUGH LABELS?
COULD WE LIVE WITHOUT LABELS?


I work in an industry that makes its living creating labels. Competition.
"I'm better than you are."
Can we just respect each other and recognize that if we all fit ourselves together that then we would have a very beautiful world and a balanced world because we would understand how we all need each other and operate as a collective unit by living in our being and feeling the moments that we are blessed with. 


Then maybe we wouldn't have such a difficult time believing in who we are. But we are currently a world of labels and that unfortunately causes my heart to hurt. So maybe if we begin to remove the labels and begin to accept who and what things are. Then maybe we'll create a little more peace.