Little by Little

After a 10 day sabbatical from the comforts of my own home, but the joys of 5 am dog kissing alarm clocks followed by the humm of a space heater and my own sacred space to breathe, practice inversions, and wake up to the world with prana, I feel very grateful. 

Although I was a mere 10 miles away from my own familiar life, I feel like I just returned from a safari on the other side of the world. You don't have to go very far in Chicago to feel like you're in another land, time zone, or perhaps at times dimension. Garfield Park a place that transported me into a different level of awareness. (I made the comment a few days ago, that it was like going scuba diving for a secret cove of seahorses. I had to go deep into a void. A void filled with a lot of fear.)

The best part about it was, I had no choice. Dogs, cats, and an entire crop of garden seedlings were depending on me to take care of them. Responsibility was consistent, the fear was high, but I had no way of turning back. It was like climbing a 5.11 without having a choice. There was no other way to return without going up the path that seemed challenging. 

Like everything in life, the journey through a very unexpected experience with fear, gave me strength, healing, and a more heightened sense of self truth and trust. 

A dog, Wasabi, taught me something that I will never forget. Hesitation and fear sends out doubt of trustworthiness. More accurately it sent a message of "trusting myself." 

Wasabi was abused as a puppy, and his current parents rescued him. He does not befriend strangers and without the right type of energy present, you cannot touch him without him growling, barking, and biting. He does not trust what an emotionally healthy dog would love--touch. 

He sensed my fear or hesitation around him by the way I'd walk or talk. Yet when I would be tired or not thinking about him barking/snapping at me he would cuddle up beside me in bed and fall asleep. After 8 days and a lot of gentle tests and a lot of awareness on my part. Finally, he let me in. 

I came home from work, started playing with him as if I were another dog, laid down on my back and he started licking my face. I was ecstatic, and hugged him. No barking, no biting, we had come to trust and respect that neither one of us was going to hurt the other. 

I was ecstatic. More accurately I felt like I had learned an amazing amount about working with something scary and learning how to trust myself to be strong enough to change and allow someone or something in. Energetic presentation. I'm continually working with it in everything I do. 

It's very very hard work. 

The other dog, Hana. In many ways brought me a lot of peace. Her personality is so beautiful, so loving, so humerous that no matter how bad you're feeling she knows how to woo you into a smile or a laugh. 

The dogs practice yoga with me and when their parents are home, with them. They sit on this big cushion, snoring and beckoning you to breath the peace that so effortlessly put them to sleep. I was meditating one night...I lost track of time, and I started crying. I was angry about love. I was battling the lesson of loving, forgiving, and letting go. I thought I had come a long way, but some days it creeps up on me. 

That night, I had my own space and I felt surrounded with really loving energy, so I just cried. I let stuff go, and Hana got up and came over and started licking away my tears. I clung to her like I would cling to my dad or mom after having a nightmare as a child. She kept licking my face. My anger began to dissipate and Hana just sat there staring me in the face. Those brown eyes told me everything. They told me that this pain that I felt brought and would bring more love into my life, and she was a reflection of that. 

Garfield Park in and of itself is an environment that tests your panic buttons. As a white fair-skinned woman, I was the minority, and I could feel it everyday I'd walk down the street. At first I would feel just radiating amounts of nervousness as cars would drive by honking at me. I'd avoid making eye contact with every car. I just wanted to get from point A to point B. 

After a few days I realized that I was creating the nervousness unnecessarily. I realized I was wasting tremendous amounts of energy being afraid. And asked myself, "What are you afraid of?" I had no answer other than the fact that I was afraid of being who I was where I was. And that was not going to protect me even if I was in danger. 

Little by little I stopped. I made every effort to walk without fear down a street that was supposedly one of the most dangerous neighborhoods. Little by little I started to laugh when a car full of men would honk and yell out their window "Hey pretty lady." And little by little my awareness let me see that intuitively there was nothing to fear unless I wanted to attract it. 

Little by little, that's all we can do to transform our awareness and to energetically present our truth.  

Hot Tubs

The world would be a better place if a hot tub was a prerequisite to every house and family. Hot bubbly steamy water is one of the best things in life. Maybe I should ammend what I just said, and say, the world would be a better place if everyone and their mother/father had hot water to soak in for at least 20 minutes every other day.  But the bubbles and jets...they are really key, especially if you're a mover and shaker. 

Every ounce of crappiness dissolves into the steam and suddenly your brain is like an empty cauldron. Nothing but tranquility. You forget every little annoyance and you suddenly realize why Miss America contestants always answer the question, "What do you want the most?" "World Peace." 

Ah yes, World Peace, I saw the solution in the drops of steam and in the smell of lavendar.

Hot tubs for everyone! 

If you know me, you've often heard me say, "Well, if everyone just made love a lot more, we'd be a lot more peaceful." However, I think Hot tubs are bit "safer" to some extent, and well...yeah...no comment. 

Hot tubs were invented way way way back "when." Way back when the Romans and Greeks ruled with really hot warriors who I'm sure needed really hot baths to relax...or so I'd like to think. Or maybe they just knew it would erase all the crappiness and they'd dissolve into the essence of pure bliss. 

Actually, ammendment needed. No one really invented the hot tub per se, rather the earth deserves all the credit. Chuckle.

Of course, everything in moderation. But seriously, dude, hot tubs are really the answer. 

Hmmm...maybe I should consider going into the hot tub busines...

I can see it now...Anne's hot tub emporium, solving World Peace one tub at a time. 

Or not.

Let's just say that I was and am soo geeked about the hot tub in my house that I had to write a blog about it. 

There was more...but I lost the point after I left the bubbling waters.

Passing out from hot tub coma.

Bubble out.

Pushing Comfort Levels

Sitting cross-legged on the floor. Ethernet cord plugged in. Gosh, I can't remember when the last time I sat on hardwood floor with an ethernet cord. Maybe when I was moving out of my college dorm, but lets just say this orange ethernet cord is giving me a little bit of comfort. 

"What did I get myself into?" was the first thought that crossed my mind as I unlocked the gate to a "Harry Potter-like" house and then found myself greeted by 2 dogs. One of which, Hana, was very very happy to see me, and the other, Wasabi, wasn't so sure he liked me. I got a nice little growl and a couple barks. "Here goes nothing." 

After adjusting to the fact that I was not going to be best friends with Wasabi, and feeling a little squeamish about the situation, I wandered around the house aimlessly as the two dogs hung out in the gated Garfield neighborhood yard. 

Talk about being present. Yeah, I was and am very present. Every noise every dog breath, everything was/is heightened. 

I call my dad "Oh yeah, everything is fine...I'm just getting used to the situation." I spilled a bit of cat food on the floor, which created some dog drama as Hana licked it up and Wasabi wasn't too happy he didn't get any. 

Breathe. Lots of deep breathing. 

I said I wanted some space. I said I wanted to do this. I said it would be a vacation. Right now, I'm definitely feeling the "I'm alone in a not so safe neighborhood, taking care of two dogs, one of which is not that cool with me. But, I have a hot tub, and I have a yoga room. And...and I have space." 

Careful what you wish for, couldn't feel more true right now. Both dogs are laying on my bed--I guess I won't be sleeping alone. I find a little comfort in that.

It was interesting to see and feel my first reactions to this comfort popping situation, and as I talked to my mom tonight she seemed remarkably more at ease with me here than I felt. "Oh sweetie, you'll be just fine. Call if you need anything, but enjoy this, you really deserve and need it." 

"I do..I do..." I think. 

I surprised myself with my first reactions. First, to try and calm Wasabi and to try and get him more comfortable with me, I immediately started singing, and to my surprise, it felt really really amazing, and the house felt a lot more alive and warm with music. So I sang and sang anything that came into my head, and I felt the energy of Wasabi calm down a bit. Grant it he's still not letting me pet him.

I was also really glad to have purchased that bottle of red  wine last night. One glass helped my nerves relax a bit. 

I didn't know where to eat, I sat down at the dinner table, but felt really out of place. So I decided to go upstairs. Plopped in Golden Compass and listened, but didn't pay any attention. Then I decided to check out the music collection. Tons of records lined the walls and cds were plentiful too. "What do I choose?" 

TLC popped out at me and I kind of danced around as I unpacked. Then let the dogs out, and wondered if I had done everything. As I worried a little bit about the dogs again "Did I do enough for them? Are they happy? Am I going to be good at this?" I realized that I was worrying too much, and that I really needed to do something that would let me express myself. 

So I'm writing. 

This feeling of living outside my comfort zone without anyone around, is new to me. So new to me that I really don't know how to get comfortable.  Everything is grabbing me, including the pain in my butt from sitting on this wood floor. "Oh well."

Typing with two dogs next to me and random car alarms going off outside has taken me outside my skin. 

Is this what it's going to be like to travel for those months that I'm planning? Yes. I believe so. 

Getting comfortable in my own skin has taken on a whole other meaning in a matter of hours. I am point blank face to face with everything. All my shit. All my fears right in front of my face--Wasabi. He can feel them all, therefore, he's not letting me get near him because he doesn't trust me. 

His ear right now is standing up perpendicular to his head. He's so anxious. I know it's not all me, but rather his parents being gone, but dogs have a sixth sense. I've never had a problem with any dog, but this one, he sure pushes my buttons and I push his. 

As I write in circles and tangents. I am beginning to realize that I have been stuck. Stuck in a very comfortable lifestyle that doesn't require me to really face certain things. 

These 10 days I can tell, are going to be powerfully revealing. 

I hope I am ready.

Now let's see if I can sleep. 5 am is sure not too far away.

You

I miss.

Planting Seeds

I took the carton of seeds labeled "munchkin tomatoes."  

I looked inside and saw little itty bitty specks...about as big as a pin head. 

My response, "Wow, how small a seed for such nourishing fruit."

I took 3 of the itty bittys and placed them in my little pot, covered them with some soil.

I said a prayer as I held the pot with the three munchkin seeds.

These seeds represented my newly set intentions and how with love and care, great and beautiful things can grow. 

Pouring a gentle trickle of water over the soil, I fed them. 

And then I fed myself.

Twisted Interlocking Warrior

There are moments when we suddenly realize, "Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. This is really scary." Our heart races, we shake, scream, cry, stop, fall over, whatever...we have discovered something within that has caused us to want to run away. 

I had a "holy shit moment today" but instead of running away from it, I fell straight into...actually I was pushed smack into the wall of "holy shit." And really it is holy, because without it you would cease to discover something about yourself. 

Sweat running down every part of my body, breaths stuck in my stomach and my hip moaning for relief. I am twisted into Interlocking Warrior. My arms interlocking underneath my left leg at my lower back. Breathing up through my core into my heart, I feel it, I feel the "holy shit" and as it comes, my breath buckles...and my teacher, somehow sensing my "holy shitness" gently sticks her knee behind my back to balance me and pulls and directs me to breathe from my hip all the way up into my heart. As she does this I feel a pulsing sensation and my collar bone area and shoulder region sends out a scream, and the whole world inside my body comes out in tears. 

I am at my core, face to face with what I've been sensing throughout my body for the last two weeks. Me. I am face to face with me. She slowly lowers me to the ground. Her loving hands sending energy into my body that turn me into a puddle on my mat. Class continues, but I can feel everything, everything that I've been unable to recognize in the last few weeks in my throat--one huge rock of "holy shitness." As quietly as a child I let the tears come out, and breathe as best I can...

Managing to make it through the rest of class, I stumble home, the rock in my throat is ready to be thrown-up. I crawl beneath my comforter and smother the wails of something locked inside me with my pillows.

I am tired, tired of falling into patterns of ignoring. Ignoring what I need. Not requesting it. Not having what I need. I am tired of the fear that makes me buckle from doing what I need. 

For the first time in my life, I have a freedom and a grasp on who I am that I don't remember ever having since I was 8 spinning pirouettes in ballet class and playing tennis with my dad. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can't get enough space. There's no boyfriend, there's no crazy job, but there's this feeling that I can never have too much time with "me." 

As I've told many in the last few months, I'm having this tremendous love affair with myself. I love sleeping alone and I love the peace that I am able to find without anyone doing it for me. 

Now, I will admit, it's not always great, because I fight with myself, I fight with my fears, and I try to fight off the signs, that say "Anne, instead of going out tonight, you know how much you need some space to recharge." Being who I am, trying to do and see everyone, but lately, like today I can feel the toll it takes on me. 

Pop...I'm face down in my pillows wailing because I've ignored the tenacious pounding things that I need to work through. And I'm like "holy shit" I had no idea. 

I was talking to my friend Ruben the other day, explaining some stuff, and his reply couldn't have been more accurate or more needed. "Darling, you are a warrior princess. This is the path you've chosen. Sometimes the battlefield we do not choose. But from it all there are lessons."

Twisted interlocking Warrior, is definitely a test of strength and courage, even if it's merely an asana. But simple things are sometimes the best reflection of what we are fighting inside.