Twisted Interlocking Warrior

There are moments when we suddenly realize, "Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. This is really scary." Our heart races, we shake, scream, cry, stop, fall over, whatever...we have discovered something within that has caused us to want to run away. 

I had a "holy shit moment today" but instead of running away from it, I fell straight into...actually I was pushed smack into the wall of "holy shit." And really it is holy, because without it you would cease to discover something about yourself. 

Sweat running down every part of my body, breaths stuck in my stomach and my hip moaning for relief. I am twisted into Interlocking Warrior. My arms interlocking underneath my left leg at my lower back. Breathing up through my core into my heart, I feel it, I feel the "holy shit" and as it comes, my breath buckles...and my teacher, somehow sensing my "holy shitness" gently sticks her knee behind my back to balance me and pulls and directs me to breathe from my hip all the way up into my heart. As she does this I feel a pulsing sensation and my collar bone area and shoulder region sends out a scream, and the whole world inside my body comes out in tears. 

I am at my core, face to face with what I've been sensing throughout my body for the last two weeks. Me. I am face to face with me. She slowly lowers me to the ground. Her loving hands sending energy into my body that turn me into a puddle on my mat. Class continues, but I can feel everything, everything that I've been unable to recognize in the last few weeks in my throat--one huge rock of "holy shitness." As quietly as a child I let the tears come out, and breathe as best I can...

Managing to make it through the rest of class, I stumble home, the rock in my throat is ready to be thrown-up. I crawl beneath my comforter and smother the wails of something locked inside me with my pillows.

I am tired, tired of falling into patterns of ignoring. Ignoring what I need. Not requesting it. Not having what I need. I am tired of the fear that makes me buckle from doing what I need. 

For the first time in my life, I have a freedom and a grasp on who I am that I don't remember ever having since I was 8 spinning pirouettes in ballet class and playing tennis with my dad. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can't get enough space. There's no boyfriend, there's no crazy job, but there's this feeling that I can never have too much time with "me." 

As I've told many in the last few months, I'm having this tremendous love affair with myself. I love sleeping alone and I love the peace that I am able to find without anyone doing it for me. 

Now, I will admit, it's not always great, because I fight with myself, I fight with my fears, and I try to fight off the signs, that say "Anne, instead of going out tonight, you know how much you need some space to recharge." Being who I am, trying to do and see everyone, but lately, like today I can feel the toll it takes on me. 

Pop...I'm face down in my pillows wailing because I've ignored the tenacious pounding things that I need to work through. And I'm like "holy shit" I had no idea. 

I was talking to my friend Ruben the other day, explaining some stuff, and his reply couldn't have been more accurate or more needed. "Darling, you are a warrior princess. This is the path you've chosen. Sometimes the battlefield we do not choose. But from it all there are lessons."

Twisted interlocking Warrior, is definitely a test of strength and courage, even if it's merely an asana. But simple things are sometimes the best reflection of what we are fighting inside.