these walls

I was laying on my nasty bedroom floor tonight, eating sweet potato fries with hot sauce and a good ol' cup of chamomile tea staring at the same bedroom ceiling and walls that I've been embraced with for 4 years. Cancun blue walls and a ceiling that's hardly white that holds one light bulb. 

I laughed. The ceiling is crooked with signs of water damage and foundation shiftage. Over a hundred years old, this house has held many secrets and has been called home by many people. I thought to myself about everything that these walls have witnessed in the past 4 years, and I couldn't help but feel all those memories rush back at me pulling me into the past. 

A lot of love, a lot of pain, a lot of sickness, and a lot of late night work. And through all the memories I saw change, I saw myself become who I am right now. All the stuff in this room makes me claustrophobic next to all of the memories. I see shirts, sheet music, shoes, and stationery that I never use or haven't touched in years. Some of the stuff just takes up space and I don't even know what it is. 

I want to get rid of it all and keep only what I need. This room, this house, reflects stagnancy and the past, yet it is a place where I have found comfort, yet never felt completely at home. The moments it's felt most like home have been the moments when I lose track of the space that I'm in. Therefore making the point that home is not about material buildings. 

These walls have held me safe, but as I look around all I see is the possibility to change. To make the choice to stay or leave these walls will be change. 

I saw another set of walls tonight that were very foreign and empty of memories, but full of peace and possibility and requiring me to simplify. They offered me a new opportunity to live with my beautiful friend and her adorable little dog Nutmeg. The synchronicity of where I'm at and this opportunity couldn't be more aligned. 

Of course, I hover. I hover on this change because of the responsibility it involves. 1)Simplify by getting rid of everything large (car, furniture, etc) 2) Helping to take care of Nutmeg 3)Living with a new person.

How it aligns is that 1) I have flexibility in staying 2) It's cheaper 3) I get to have a dog 4)I get to walk to work 5) I'm going after a dramatic shift that's already happening in my life.

As I stared up at the ceiling, I realized that this felt like a road sign and that it was a blessing. I am given a chance to go a different direction. An unexpected direction, but a direction full of many possibilities. 

When it comes down to it, I don't think this decision is about the money that I will be saving. It will be much more than that.