A soliloquy

Can I write you a story? Can I play you a song? Can I dance with you in one arm and carry flowers in another? Can this be simply beautiful without an interjection of “what if?” Can I put my sail up and float along on this ocean’s wave even if it is just for a while? Can I just be swept away with the magic of your eyes gazing at me? Can I just forget all the yesterdays and feel free? Can this be what it is without one heart becoming wounded? Can love just be rather than end in misery? Can I just be me without causing an undesired effect? Can this be fun rather than a shotgun wound to the heart? Can I be with you without worrying if I will change my mind? Can we just be a harmonious melody even if there is a finish line? Can life allow for ending without dead ends? Can both of us see that if this is meant to be perhaps that means there may be a dropoff point?

What responsibility do I carry when exploring new territories? Am I really a Spanish Pilgrim carrying havoc and distress? Where might my joy take me if not into new discoveries? Is this not just an experiment of unconditional love for one another? Where then does this all leave me at the end of the day when I look at you and say, “I don’t know now, but I’m afraid I’ll know later and then I will only cause pain?” When are we allowed to have fun and let that be our love?

 “Who are you?” they always ask, “To not be with someone.” When does my answer “I am with someone and that someone is me,” become the right fact?

I am baffled by this role, this life of playing roles that are constantly misunderstood. I am baffled that there is this “need” to be with someone else to feel complete. I do not believe in this any more. I do not believe that I am missing a half. I do not believe that there is just one “just right” for me. I believe that I have been lucky to have fallen in love more than once and I believe that I am lucky to have discovered that I really am complete without the other “thee.” The mystery of belonging, of longing to be together, is something that I do not believe to be a healthy act.

Now I would just like to be and actually enjoy another’s company without the bells and whistles of future ringing in their eyes and ears as I speak my soliloquy. I do not want to apologize for casting a spell that causes you to see unclearly. I do not want to apologize for an end that may occur. I do not want to apologize for a fairy tale that may never end happily.

I simply ask for this moment, this bit of time, to be happy with what we both have given rather than worrying about tomorrow’s broken heart pedigree.